Live and Learn

A few days ago, I posted on Facebook about how I allowed one person’s words to mess up my entire week.  That’s what happened last week.  I heard the words someone said and allowed them to have control over my emotions.  I hate when I do that.  And I seem to do it often.

In this instance, I was numb at first from the shock of what I had just heard. For a moment, I thought I might have been transported to my past. A time when I was miserable and lost. A time when I was being manipulated and controlled. A time when I had no idea who I was or why I was placed on this planet. I felt like I was spiraling downward into a pit of despair. I know that sounds extreme, but that’s what it did to me. I had to force myself back to reality and present time.

In the days following, I spent a lot of time with Jesus trying to figure out why this person said what they said.  I wanted to know the motive and heart behind their words.  Around day three of dealing with this, I listened to this song (the same song I posted on Facebook already) and felt like Jesus was speaking directly to me.  He knew what I was going through, and He wanted me to know He was listening.

Since then, I’ve been trying to find my way to the path of forgiveness.  I don’t want to harbor any bitterness or resentment for this person, but this isn’t the first offense so I’m having a harder time with it this go-round.

But here’s the thing.  No matter what their motives are, I can’t allow what they may or may not think about me to affect how I live my life.

In the process of trying to solve the “puzzle” of my pain, Jesus reminded me that His opinion and thoughts of me are the only ones that matter.  In the process of trying to figure out what I meant to this person, God reminded me of my worth to Him.  In the process of trying to simply understand, God’s Word reminded me that I should “lean not on my own understanding”. It was in these moments that I felt my spirit stand a little taller. Suddenly, I realized the knowledge of my worth made its way into my heart and I could actually feel the confidence of God. This was so new for me.

Then, a good friend of mine reminded me about something from a book we both read recently. When you are a child of God you have two options… you can live and learn or you can live and lose. Well I am choosing the “live and learn” option. I’m not ready to back down. I’m not ready to give up.

So that’s what I’m processing with Jesus now. What is the lesson in all of this? Maybe it was all for me to understand what Godly confidence looks and feels like. Maybe it was all for something else. I’m sure God will show me soon enough.

To top it all off, that same friend of mine sent me a screenshot of something she saw on Facebook. She knew what I was walking through and that it would encourage me.

“Do not let your beautiful mind become a battlefield. Just because someone has shown you their weapons does not mean you have to accept the war. Those who try to break you are expecting you to be in fight mode. Conquer them with your peace.”

Though I believe that this person was not intentionally trying to cause me pain, I know the enemy used this moment to wage war against my spirit. Reading that made me want to pull back my shoulders, square up, and say… “Come at me, bro!”