Vacations and Expectations

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. I truly believe that. But I also believe there’s another time that’s equally wonderful, dare I even say more wonderful. VACATION.

Vacation is a time to slow down, relax, take off the watch, turn on the “Do Not Disturb” feature on your phone, go on unplanned adventures, visit a new place, take a road trip, or spend time with loved ones. Whatever you decide to do, it’s a time to do something outside of your everyday routine.

In fact, that’s what I’m doing right now.

For the past three years, I’ve taken the week of Thanksgiving to go on a solo vacation. Time spent alone with God. And each year has been different, not just in location, but in experience.

The first year I spent the week on the beach in South Carolina… sick. I ran fever and had chills every day but one while I was there. Yet, it was a pivotal time for me. God used that time to speak to me in so many ways, and I received so much healing and breakthrough.

The second year, I didn’t have a whole week of vacation to take, so I had to settle for a long weekend, which also meant that I had to stay relatively closer to home than say South Carolina. I did nothing for those 3 days. I didn’t leave that little apartment in Mississippi, across the street from the beach, until it was time for me to checkout. It was nice, but obviously not near as long as I wanted it to be.

This year, I’m in Franklin, TN for a whole week. Before I left, I told a friend that I planned to spend my days wandering through the downtown boutiques or reclined in a local coffee shop, then spend my nights cuddled up with hot chocolate and Hallmark Christmas movies. And for the first three days, that’s exactly what I did, with only one difference. My best friend came to join me for those first few days. (Yes, I went against what this week is for me for those few days, because I miss her. And we had some much needed time together.) We had some fun exploring and relaxing before she left yesterday afternoon.

So, last night was my first night alone, and I was a little excited to have this king-sized bed to myself. I planned to wake up slowly with my coffee, take my time reading my bible and praying, then walk on over to the Frothy Monkey until I hear my pjs calling.

Then life happened.

I woke up at 4am this morning with a headache from hell. And I don’t say that lightly. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a headache hurt this badly. To make it worse, nothing in Franklin is open 24 hours, so I had to wait until Kroger’s opened at 6am to go get some medicine. When the time came, I got in my car, went to the store, bought some medicine, got back to my car, and I couldn’t open the bottle fast enough. I downed some before I left the parking lot. Now, usually the medicine I take kicks in pretty quickly, but this time it felt like I had lost a whole day waiting for it to work.

Once I started to feel some relief, I was able to fall back asleep. When I woke up, I was surprised to see that I slept until almost noon. I haven’t done that in quite a long time. I was also a little disappointed, because, as much as I want to sleep in while on vacation, I don’t want to sleep the days away. Regardless, I spent my “morning” trying to stick to my plan. I had my coffee and my prayer time, but I felt groggy the whole time. I literally had to force myself to get up, get dressed, and leave the house. All I really wanted to do was stay in bed and watch Hallmark all day. But all I could think was, “What if I miss out on something great because I’m feeling lazy? I didn’t come here to be lazy. I came here to find a writing groove and some answers. I can’t do that staying inside watching tv all day.”

So, I left, went to a quaint little coffee shop called The Good Cup, and did some reading. But the whole time I fought to keep my head clear. I wanted to focus on writing, but my eyes were heavy and my body felt limp. I decided to stop fighting it and came back to the house.

As I walked in and put my stuff down, I felt so disappointed in myself. My first day alone and I abandoned my plan. I didn’t do what I came here to do. I kept shaming myself in my mind for being so lazy. Then, I heard that all too familiar whisper, “You need to rest.”

So I yielded. I made the decision to stop being hard on myself. I mean, this is vacation after all, I’m supposed to rest. And I’m by myself. I can do anything I want. I don’t have anyone else to think about. So why is it so hard?

But oh how normal this is for my life. I think sometimes I want things so badly that I try to force it. Then, it’s so easy for me to be hard on myself when things don’t go the way I think they should or the way I planned—even when it’s out of my control.

Ironically, the opposite is true too. There are some things I want that seem impossible, and I have a hard time forcing myself to do them, whether it’s because i’m being lazy or out of fear.

So where’s the balance? How do I get myself to do the things that scare me, but then not beat myself up when things don’t go the way I expect? As I type this, I am remembering an old journal entry from a couple of years ago that I just read this morning. (Coincidence? I think not. God always knows what we need before we know it.)

I must have been in a similar season of life, because this is what God said to me in that entry:

“Don’t worry about what the next year, month, day, or hour will look like. Just live in the moment. … Just trust me. Listen for me to guide you along the way and trust me. I know what it is going to look like and I’ve got it.”

So I guess that’s my answer. Let go, live in the moment, and trust God to work it all out for my good. And be ok when God calls me to rest, even if it messes up my plans.