#ThatMoment

You know #ThatMoment… it’s when something unexpected happens. Your friend does something funny, you get a text from your mom at just the right time, you hear a song that you desperately needed, something happens that lets you know God is close by and He loves you… these are all moments that are worth documenting because of the way they made you feel. In fact, I’ve used that hashtag on Facebook quite a bit. And for the purpose of this post, I decided to go see some of the things I chose to document with it. (Screenshots below for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome.)

I think those are a pretty good mix of moments. Some are sweet, some are funny, some are downright ridiculous. But these aren’t all of them.

I feel like our lives are full of these types of moments, but we don’t always pay attention enough to notice them. Then, even when we are paying attention, there are some moments that we would prefer not to document. Mostly because they’re more painful than joyful.

I had one of those more painful moments last week. It wasn’t painful in the sense that I was hurting as much as it was that I had a sudden realization of how I had been hurting someone else. And I’m not particularly fond of documenting it here.

Side note: I can’t give the details to the actual situations so I’ll have to be very vague, but I will do my best to get my point across.

Have you ever had negative feelings toward someone based solely on the testimony of someone else’s experience with them? What about when you’ve witnessed someone mistreating someone you care about, but you’ve never had that experience with that person? Finally, have you ever decided to ignore other people’s negative feelings toward someone in order to form your own opinion about them only to have that person prove all those other people right?

I have. On all three accounts. And it sucks.

I have my own personal experiences with certain people that have been a challenge to work through. As in, I’m still working through them. But, unfortunately, I have come to realize that I have allowed other people’s experiences with those same people compound mine. And you know what I allowed to happen in my mind because of it? Mountains. My personal experiences were only little mole hills, but I let the combination of everything turn them into mountains.

Then, guess what? I needed someone to blame. Things had been happening with these people long before I came into the picture, then I came along and it happened to me too. So, I felt like my pain was preventable.

That blame turned into bitterness. That bitterness turned into a hardened heart. I swear I could actually feel my heart hardening. I HATE THAT FEELING. And I had allowed my heart to get so hard that I had decided that I didn’t need this person anyway, so I just went on with my life like nothing had happened. I stuffed it. Then I let the numbness settle in.

Then, one day, I heard this person open up about something and conviction fell on me hard! But I ignored it. For a while.

Well, that conviction got stronger last week, so I had to start asking Jesus about everything going on in my heart. Why did I blow everything out of proportion? Why did things affect me in this way? Why can’t I forgive and move on? Why can’t I let this person I am blaming off the hook? Then, the question that I asked that really stung was… Why do I feel like I can’t talk to them about this?

I didn’t get the answers right away, but I knew I needed to apologize. Yet, when I got the opportunity, I didn’t take it. I somehow knew that if I had tried to apologize in that moment, it wouldn’t have been very clear what I was apologizing for and why. Because I didn’t know. I just knew that I was feeling guilty about how I had been treating someone—even if it was just in my heart.

Then, I sat and talked with a friend. Through our conversation, Jesus connected some VERY unexpected dots. He showed me that I allowed myself to react to this person in that way because of who and what they represent in my life. He showed me that I had been reflecting my relationship with someone very close to me, a relationship that isn’t that great and has continuously hurt me throughout my life, onto the person I was blaming in this current situation. (I liken it to the way we tend to take the relationship we have with our earthly father and reflect it onto our Heavenly Father, usually subconsciously.)

And just like that my eyes were open to so many things. EVERYTHING became so clear.

Being able to see the why behind my actions, thoughts, and feelings made me feel THAT MUCH MORE convicted about it all. I have been so wretched. But at least now I know I can sit down with this person and share my heart. It’s still going to be hard and part of me doesn’t even want to do it, because they probably don’t even have a clue that I’ve even been feeling this way about them. Then again, it’s also possible they have sensed a change in me, but have been waiting for me to be ready to open up.

Either way, this is the moment that I have to choose to put on my big girl pants and do the right thing. Because I firmly believe that it has the potential to bring so much healing.

So… if I were to share this moment on Facebook, that post may look a little something like this…

#ThatMoment You realize that you’ve made mountains out of mole hills and unknowingly placed unwarranted blame on someone for past and present pain. #EpicFail #Conviction #ConfessionTime #GottaMakeItRight #ThisIsWhereHealingHappens #ThankfulForHisMercies #ThankfulForHisGrace #StillAWorkInProgress