Murder She Wrote

Have you ever had to fight the urge to punch someone in the throat? Cuss somebody out? Or maybe even just give them a look that could kill?  I know I can’t be the only one.

Y’all... THE. STRUGGLE. IS. REAL.  When your spirit starts to fight your flesh to make sure you act right, it can be exhausting.  So exhausting, in fact, that it can cause cracks to form in your spiritual armor.

I realized I might have a crack in my armor when I almost murdered someone the other day.  Ok, not literally, but according to scripture, I allowed my emotions to bring me to a place that, by God’s standards, would have been considered murder.

“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! …”

Matthew 5:21-22 NLT

Before I started my relationship with Jesus, I worked for a company that made me feel manipulated, controlled, deceived, and useless.  They did a good job puffing me up with their words, but in the end, their actions proved they didn’t mean any of it.

As a born-again believer, I know that I am not useless and it is not God’s will for me to live a life being controlled or manipulated.  So what I’ve noticed recently is that when I feel something similar to my previous experience, my old self tries to creep up in an attempt to defend myself from something I felt I was defenseless against before.

What is that defense you ask?  Anger.  My face gets red, my heart starts pounding, and I want to scream like a crazy person.  It’s not a pretty sight, and I’m sure thats not the best time to test my blood pressure.

Unfortunately, this happened very recently.  It’s not often I get that way, so it’s pretty easy to recognize it in myself.  I can’t go into the details of what brought me to that point, but I will say this... it was petty.  The whole situation was just down right petty.  It definitely wasn’t something worth giving up my peace, but I did.  I know that it was more about the person than it was the situation, but I still got worked up.

This person has a history of lying and manipulating people to get their way, so my defenses automatically go up any time I’m around them.  Everything about this person feels familiar.  A familiar that brings me back to my past, where I was broken and miserable.  I know it’s not a good place to be in, so I’m constantly praying for God to purify my heart and renew my mind.

Then, after calming down, I saw this quote on Facebook and knew that God was using it to speak to me.

See… Jesus always has a way of pulling me back to him.  I might have had the right to get angry given the actions of this person, but how spiritually immature of me to allow the enemy to use something so petty to get me to surrender my peace.  And the saddest part is that I saw it coming.  I knew the events that were going to play out.  God gave me the chance to prepare myself, to dig deep into what He has placed inside of me, to strengthen my armor, so that I could respond to this person the way He really wanted me to.  But I failed.  Epically.

Now I know that we do not fight against flesh and blood,  but against evil rulers and authorities, but seeing that quote made me want to stand taller, look that person in the face, and say, “That’s the last time you have that kind of control over me.”  Because, if I’m being honest with myself, that’s exactly what happened.  In an attempt to defend myself against manipulation and control, I ended up giving that person and situation control over my emotions. 

So… I know I may have lost this battle, but I sure am glad that I am a daughter of the One who has already won the war!