Ahmaud Arbery. George Floyd. These are just two names of the far too many black lives that have been taken by white people. My people.

It’s been so hard to express the many emotions that I’ve tried to process over this past month. And I think that’s because I feel helpless. I feel helpless. Even typing that feels like a joke compared to what my black brothers and sisters must be feeling right now. Have been feeling for centuries.

So… for the most part, I’ve been silent. I’ve been silent because of ignorance, self-doubt, uncertainty… because I just straight up don’t know what my part is in making a difference today. I’ve been praying, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’ve been loving, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’ve been reacting to and sharing posts on social media, but it doesn’t feel like enough.

So what is enough? I keep asking myself that question. What should I be doing? (Side note: I just read a great article about this. You should take the time to read it.)

Then, in the midst of my talking to Jesus, I hear Him say, “You’re a writer. Be one.” And even though I know what He is saying to me, I’ve struggled because even writing doesn’t feel like enough. But it’s what I do, so that’s where I’ll start.

I grew up in a small country town. We never had a lot of money, but we never went without either. And even though I’ve never felt it, I know that I’ve lived a very privileged life. Only because I’m white.

(The following was copied from my cousin’s post on Facebook, which was also copied. I don’t know who the original author is, but it needs to be shared.)

I have privilege as a white person because I can do all of these things without thinking twice:
I can go birding (#ChristianCooper)
I can go jogging (#AmaudArbery)
I can relax in the comfort of my own home (#BothemSean and #AtatianaJefferson)
I can ask for help after being in a car crash (#JonathanFerrell and #RenishaMcBride)
I can have a cellphone (#StephonClark)
I can leave a party to get to safety (#JordanEdwards)
I can play loud music (#JordanDavis)
I can sell CDs (#AltonSterling)
I can sleep (#AiyanaJones)
I can walk from the corner store (#MikeBrown)
I can play cops and robbers (#TamirRice)
I can go to church (#Charleston9)
I can walk home with Skittles (#TrayvonMartin)
I can hold a hairbrush while leaving my own bachelor party (#SeanBell)
I can party on New Years (#OscarGrant)
I can get a normal traffic ticket (#SandraBland)
I can lawfully carry a weapon (#PhilandoCastile)
I can break down on a public road with car problems (#CoreyJones)
I can shop at Walmart (#JohnCrawford)
I can have a disabled vehicle (#TerrenceCrutcher)
I can read a book in my own car (#KeithScott)
I can be a 10yr old walking with our grandfather (#CliffordGlover)
I can decorate for a party (#ClaudeReese)
I can ask a cop a question (#RandyEvans)
I can cash a check in peace (#YvonneSmallwood)
I can take out my wallet (#AmadouDiallo)
I can run (#WalterScott)
I can breathe (#EricGarner)
I can live (#FreddieGray)
I CAN BE ARRESTED WITHOUT THE FEAR OF BEING MURDERED (#GeorgeFloyd)
White privilege is real. Take a minute to consider a Black person’s experience today.
#BlackLivesMatter

As a Christian, I know that we live in a fallen world, but the way our country treats black people is so beyond unacceptable. It’s hard to watch other HUMANS being killed because their skin doesn’t look like mine. Yet it keeps happening. Over and over and over again. And you know what that’s called? Genocide.

What’s truly sad is that it’s taken me 35 years to be this upset about it.

I keep reading different people’s stories on Facebook. Stories of their struggles, their lives… and all I keep thinking is I am so weak. I allow so many petty things in my life to get the best of me. I have so many anger issues. Trust issues. Love issues. So many issues. And I’m white. These issues would automatically be exponentially worse if I weren’t.

One of the stories I read was written by a woman speaking of her husband. She talked about how he grew up in a Christian home. He never drank, smoked, did any kind of drugs. He always lived his life as best he could to represent the love of Jesus. And one night, he wanted to bless her by putting gas in her car so she would be ready for the next day. While doing that, an old white lady thought he looked suspicious and called the cops on him. Because he’s black. She described how he had to constantly tell himself to remain calm. He couldn’t show his frustration or anger over the injustice because then he would be “resisting” and he just wanted to make it home to his family.

And I get angry over unwritten vacation day policies at work. How pathetic… And this is just one story of billions out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I know everyone has their own personal trials and we aren’t here to compare our troubles. Our individual trials and feelings are very real and personal to us, but these stories sure put things into perspective for me.

It’s time for white people to be the change we wish to see in our country and in our world. Especially Christians. If we can stand up and speak up against abortions, domestic violence, religious persecution and things like vaccinations in the name of our “constitutional rights” and the value we claim to have of human life… then we can do the same for black lives. Because yes all lives do matter, but white people don’t need a hashtag to fight for theirs. And black people shouldn’t need them either.