I know I said I learned a lot about myself having roommates, but I’ve been living alone for about three weeks now and guess what? I’m still learning things about myself!

Last week, in the middle of a class I’ve been taking, I talked about having the desire to write but not really knowing how, or if I’d be any good. (The writing I’m talking about is fiction writing, not the writing I do in this blog. It’s different.) I had said something along the lines of knowing I need to just try and see what happens, but I haven’t started yet. So, of course, someone asked, “Well why haven’t you?”

I shrugged my shoulders like I didn’t know, but inside I was thinking… Fear, doubt, laziness, procrastination, intimidation, uncertainty. I don’t know which one of those it is, or if it’s a combination of them all, but I found out a couple of days later that the lack of action isn’t just in writing.

I had a project to do for work last week. It was my first time doing this type of project, but I was ready to do it. With a little help from my coworker, we were able to get the frame and main lighting for a new stage design put together. It wasn’t 100% complete, but looked good enough to work for the next couple of services. Afterwards, I knew that I wanted to add more lights to it. There was just one problem… I didn’t know how to do that.

So, I asked another coworker how he had done it for the stage he had put together, and he told me about the person he had come and install the equipment. I called them and asked if they’d be available to come back for a consultation, but they were too busy to come in person. So, I had to settle for phone calls and text messages to try and get some of my questions answered. After a little bit of back and forth, and a little bit of help from YouTube, I thought I might have enough information to take a stab at it.

And I hesitated.

I had the time, space, equipment, and information I needed to get started on trying, and I hesitated.

Why?

That’s the question I kept asking myself as I sat on the stage floor, watching videos, and coming to the realization of how often I do this to myself.

When I am faced with something I have never done before, I almost always hesitate. Then, when I finally force myself into action and do what needs to be done, I’m almost always exhilarated that I just learned or taught myself how to do something new. Which often leaves me feeling silly for ever feeling intimidated by it.

I think what is really weird for me is that there are just as many times when I don’t hesitate. You see, I’ve always seen myself as the type of person that can learn most things quickly and easily, and when faced with a challenge, will do whatever is necessary to learn how to do something. Click buttons, search the internet, read articles, watch videos… whatever. It’s like solving a riddle or putting together a puzzle. I love it.

Maybe the moments I hesitate are the moments I focus too much on my abilities, or lack thereof. I know God is the one who has given me the skills that I have, so I should also know that He will give me the knowledge I need to complete a task He puts before me. But for some reason there’s a block in my mind at times.

Even as I type this I can see that the block is a lie that I am believing. A lie that says I have the skills, but not the intelligence to use them.

So… sometimes I hesitate and sometimes I don’t. Which also means that sometimes I believe the lie and other times I don’t even hear it. So what’s with the inconsistency?

I don’t know the answer to that yet, but I’m willing to bet that the more intentional I become about recognizing the lie when it pops up and shutting it down, the more confident I will be to jump into action without hesitation.