Yesterday, at church, my pastor talked about “Mental Freedom”. What it looks like and how to achieve it. One of the things he talked about was how we can sometimes have a negative mindset about others. Not necessarily what we think about them, but what others think about us. He used mental dialogues as an example.

Let’s say someone has upset you in some way. You know you will be talking to them soon, so you begin to think that you know what they are going to say to you, and then you will in return have something in mind that you want to say. Before you know it, this whole conversation has played out in your mind with you saying everything you want to say in response to everything you just know that person is going to say to you. Until you actually meet and nothing actually happens the way it did in your mind.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate to that. Only, I tend to take it a step further and watch scenes play out in my mind, like a movie. In fact, it doesn’t even always happen as a reaction to something or someone else. Sometimes, it comes out of nowhere and takes me by surprise. Like this morning…

I was just sitting in my chair, minding my own business, listening to a worship song, and dancing with Jesus in my heart. I was singing the song to Jesus as we danced when … BAM! This movie starts to play out in my mind. I didn’t ask for it, nor did I want it. I was so good where I was. I love to dance with Jesus! But here it is playing, and I can’t seem to find the remote to press stop.

Had it been possible for other people to watch it, this movie would have warranted a big ole bucket of buttery popcorn and some tissues. Tissues because of the heartache, but popcorn because I’m sure it would have been a show to see me in this kind of light.

The movie was all about someone in my life disappointing me. Again. And it must have been my last straw, because I saw myself scream some things at them that I never would have the courage to say in real life. I knew after watching this movie that it was something that Jesus wanted me to walk through with him, but it came so unexpectedly that it threw me off for a bit. When the shock and pain wore off, I began to process those feelings that had come from it. And also asking God to help me not reflect those things onto Him.

That movie then brought me to thinking about other people. People that also seem to be disappointed by this person time and time again. In that moment, I wanted to scream at one of them for allowing that person to get to them that way. For allowing themselves to be a “victim”. Then I realized that I couldn’t, because I would have to also scream at myself. —This is where you imagine the scene from And Justice For All when Al Pacino screams at the judge, “You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial’s out of order!” But you exchange those words with, “You’re being ignored! I’m being ignored! WE’RE ALL BEING IGNORED!” And yes it’s ok to laugh at the ridiculousness of how my brain works. I laugh at myself all the time. — I wanted to scream this at them, because I always watch them use the way this person hurts them as a crutch. Whether it’s to gain sympathy from others or because that’s the only way they know how to deal with it, doesn’t matter. What matters is that I had to admit that I do the same thing. It might just look a little different.

So often, we want to personalize why someone is a certain way to us, but nine times out of ten, that person is like that with EVERYONE. Why? Maybe it’s because they don’t know Jesus, therefore they don’t know how to change. Or maybe it’s because they do know Jesus, but they don’t know how to get past the hurt that they themselves have experienced. Whatever the reason… They probably don’t even realize they are letting people down, because in their eyes they are doing better than what they were taught. But then where does that leave you and all those other people being hurt by them?

Well, that’s an easy one to answer… that leaves you turning to Jesus for whatever need you would normally try to get them to meet. Here’s a harder question… How do you stop placing expectations on them (that you know they aren’t capable of meeting) when it comes as natural as breathing?

The answer to this is one I’m still trying to figure out, personally. I do know, based on several teachings I’ve watched recently, that I have to figure out a way to rewire my brain, change my thought patterns, reroute my neural pathways, so that with each breath I take I remind myself that Jesus is the only person that will never let me down. I’m sure it’s just a matter of meditating on God’s Word and lots and lots of prayer. And time. It takes time.

Consistent prayer and meditation on God’s Word will, in time, transform my mind. Which, I imagine, in turn will protect my heart. Because once I can make turning to Jesus as easy as breathing, then my heart should be in a place where it can’t be so easily hurt by people.