So I recently had my heart completely broken by Jesus. It was all my fault, but He used a moment where I was intentionally disobedient about something to teach me a lesson.

A few weeks ago, my friend and I were fasting for direction in a specific area of our lives. On the last night of our fast, she asked me if I knew that Michael Jr. was going to be in New Orleans soon.

(If you don’t know who that is, then your life is about to get better. Michael Jr. is a comedian, but he always has a great message behind his comedy. Go check him out! You’re welcome!)

I didn’t know, so I got super excited. I pulled out my phone to order some tickets. Well, something wasn’t working right one my phone, so I had to get my computer. (That should have been my first clue.) I went to the website, put the tickets in the cart, entered all of my information, and got ready to hit “Purchase”. Then, that all too familiar gentle whisper said, “Don’t buy them.” My finger hovered over the mouse as I sat there and had a quick conversation with Holy Spirit in my mind.

“But, why not? It’s just a Christian comedy show. And I have been wanting to see him in person forever.”

“Because I don’t want you to. Trust me.”

I sat there for a few seconds, my finger poised in the position to pull the trigger, debating on whether I should do it or not. … CLICK

The whole time this is going on, my friend is sitting on the side of my bed, clueless to what is happening. Finally, I said, “Ok, we have tickets!”

I felt sick to my stomach immediately.

Now, I need to mention that this is not the first time I have deliberately disobeyed God. But this time was different. I don’t really know how to explain how or why.

I went to bed knowing that I did something wrong. Well, wouldn’t you know, I had a dream that night. I was walking down a Lafayette street, towards University. On the side of me was a friend of mine who had a few friends with her. We all had luggage we were toting with us like we were going to the airport. My friend mentioned that she was going to Abbeville. I thought to myself, “Well you’re going the wrong direction.” But I didn’t say anything to her, because I know that she knows the area well and I thought that maybe she knew a different way. We got to this busy street that we needed to cross over with all of our luggage and we paused. The street we needed to cross was not flat like the one we were already on. It had a slight slant to it. We both hesitated, but then began to cross at the same time. We all made it across safely and kept going. Then, we got to another street that we needed to cross and this one was slanted even more. This time, I proceeded to cross the street by myself, but the minute my foot touched that street, the slant became so pronounced that I fell. I don’t know how far or hard, because I woke up as soon as I fell. As I opened my eyes, I heard, “Pride comes before the fall.”

Of course that guilty feeling came back to me. All morning, as I got ready for work, I felt so sick I thought I might throw up. I started talking to Jesus.

“Lord, why am I feeling this way over a comedy show? I mean, he is a Christian.”

“It’s not about the show.”

“Then it’s about the money. I know I need to be a better steward of my money. I should have checked to see if I could fit it in my budget.”

“Yes you should have, but it’s not about the money either.”

This dialogue continued until I got to work. I got to my office, put on some worship music, and began to pray.

“I need you to know that you hear My voice. I need you to obey. I need to know that you will listen to Me when I tell you to do something. I need you to trust me.”

I broke down. My heart was hurting so bad. I cried like I had betrayed someone I love. I realize now that I had. I betrayed the One that took on the beating and death that I deserved and gave me eternal life. It had been a long time since I had felt that badly and that deeply about something or someone. I began to repent and received His forgiveness as He spoke healing to my broken heart.

I know you might be thinking that I’m crazy. What a silly thing to have your heart broken over. I know, I thought the same thing at first. But I realized that God could use this moment for good. I proceeded to open my journal to write all of this down. When I finished, I prayed and asked God to remind me of this moment the next time I hesitate to obey Him.

I went about my day feeling a little lighter, but hoping for a second chance to obey Him. I told Him that if He wanted me to give away my ticket, I would. I would just need Him to tell me.

The next morning, I got to work and told my friend what had happened. I don’t know why I felt the need to do that, but I knew I needed to. She told me that she thinks that God is working on me to be better at obeying Him in the little things. He knows I will obey in the big, life-changing things, because I’ve done it so many times. But He wants to know that I can trust Him with the little things too. Maybe the little things that are coming will be needed for the next big thing.

Fast forward a week, exactly a week. I received an email stating that the Michael Jr. show that I had bought tickets to had been cancelled “due to unforeseen circumstances”, and I was getting my money back.

Needless to say, I showed my friend the email and we both had a freak out moment. In that moment I was glad I had shared that with her when I did. It gave me the opportunity to have someone witness what God was doing in my life. She said something about God honoring the fact that I confessed my sin out loud. I was thinking that God saw how truly sorry I was and decided to give me a second chance with my money. Either way… once again, Jesus showed up in an unexpected and undeserving way. He proved to me that I can mess up. I can fail. I can disappoint Him. And He will still love me. He will still redeem me.

Even in some of my ugliest moments, I am still worthy of His love.